By Les-Lee Roland

Ring-a-Ling, Ring-a-Ling.
Hello, This is Good Times Travel Agency, Les-Lee speaking. How may I help you?
Oh you’re interested in an Alaska cruise you saw on the Internet.
Yes, I can check the rates.

What are your choices? The advertised rate was for an inside cabin — no window on the lowest deck. Outside cabins have a window but some of the cabins may have an obstructed view. Oh, the Internet didn’t make that clear? May I suggest the cabin with a balcony? There are more of them because they are the most popular. Or perhaps a mini suite — the most spacious, with your own personal butler. Oh, the Internet didn’t explain that?
Now, would you like a ship with fixed dining times, or do you prefer one that has more flexible dining? You decide when you want to eat, if you want to dine alone, or join others at a table. Do you like formal nights or perhaps country club chic attire? Oh, the Internet didn’t explain that?
Some ships also offer alternative dining where you will be charged a fee — anywhere from $6 to $30 for the meal. Yes, Mr. Cruiser, the food is very good in the traditional dining rooms. But “alternative dining” may be a longer, more leisurely meal with perhaps a more specialized menu. Yes, I understand that it was not explained on the Internet.
Oh, you want to know how much the bar charges for your favorite drinks? Well, Mr. Cruiser, I can also offer you a ship that will stock your mini-bar with your favorite choices and serve complimentary wines with dinner. Also, your gratuities are included in the cost of the sailing. Yes, no more envelopes on the last night. No, the Internet doesn’t explain those options.
Now for Alaska, we have some more choices. There are different itineraries, roundtrip Seattle, roundtrip Vancouver, or northbound and southbound to Seward or Whittier. We even have a roundtrip from San Francisco.
What are the differences and which do I prefer? Well, I’ll explain the differences. Yes, it is not explained on the….
What do you have to pack for Alaska? Well, a jacket or windbreaker, mittens, hat and lots of layering clothes. Of course, there are no limits on how much luggage you can take onboard, but the airline does have a limit. Two pieces of luggage, no more than 50 pounds. Yes, Mr. Cruiser, the airlines changed the requirement and they didn’t publicize it. Yes, lots of surprises when people arrive at the airport. But you can pay the overweight with a credit card.
You can take a carry-on as well, as long as it is stored, or squeezed under the seat or in the overhead bins, but don’t expect any help, except from other passengers Well, it is costly now to provide a staff to take your luggage, screen it, transfer it and to have a department to deal with the complaints when the luggage is lost. Yes, Mr. Cruiser, by the time you leave, there may be an additional cost just to handle your luggage. How much? Sorry I don’t know but thousands of bags are lost every day, so who knows. Yes, sort of like the socks lost in the clothes dryer.
By the way, Mr. Cruiser, which cruise lines have you been on before? Sometimes, there is a special offering for a past passenger that may provide additional savings or an upgrade. You don’t remember the name of the ship? It was a big one, Caribbean islands, once in April within the past eight years? Well...it’s not a problem for me to contact each cruise line and see if you have ever sailed with them. No, that service is not given on the Internet.
Now, for the air. Oh, you have mileage on six different airlines, a little here and a little there. Can you combine the mileage from all of them to equal one ticket? I don’t think so. Yes, I am familiar with the credit card companies that offer mileage. Oh, you use them when they offer double miles. No, sir, I don’t know if the new mattress you bought last week will give you enough miles for the flights. Yes, sir, I can actually see the layout of the plane, and I do see that there are at least 100 empty seats. Can you use your frequent flyer mileage? I doubt it, but it is no problem for me to check, if you don’t want to check it yourself — on the Internet!
Let me check on the availability. Here’s one with a 50-minute layover. Certainly, Mr. Cruiser, I can arrange for someone to meet you at the gate and assist you and your wife to the next flight. The Internet doesn’t offer that service.
Now, sir, do you prefer an aisle seat or a window? You’re six feet two, and you do need leg room. Well, your aisle seat may be $10 to $15 more, depending on the airline we use. No, the window seat is not charged the extra fee — yet! The middle seat is no extra charge, either.
It is a long flight. You can sleep on the red-eye return flight. A pillow, extra cost; a blanket, extra, as well.
Special meals — sorry Mr. Cruiser, there will be a charge for ALL meals. Snacks, yes: pretzels or peanuts on some flights. Yes, they are salty, and you will get thirsty but you can buy a beverage. Make sure you have the exact amount; they never can make change on the plane.
Six hours is a long flight, but you can bring a good book with you because there is no longer a choice of magazines. A movie? Of course, Mr. Cruiser, you may purchase a headset in order to watch a dozen commercials, reruns of “Frazier” and a movie that is about one year old. And if the person who has the window seat doesn’t keep getting up to walk around, you won’t have to be disturbed a lot.
No, sir, they haven’t started pay toilets — yet. But it may be a good idea to bring some toilet paper, just in case we lose that luxury.
Sept. 11, you ask? No, I think the airlines may be using that as an excuse, but there are more people traveling now than ever before. I think that June 30 is a more important date. Why? Because that’s when they have to tell the stockholders how they finished the quarter.
Yes, Mr. Cruiser, traveling by air is not what it used to be. What, you want me to check out a cross-country train tour to return to Florida — like the ones you used to take your kids on. Yes, Amtrak is still operating, but unfortunately, the train vacation packages no longer exist. Yes, that company hired by the government is no longer in business.
Now what do you do when you arrive in ports? The cruise line will offer you lots of choices for shore excursions. Oh, you’ve seen the 104-page book from one cruise line? The helicopter rides, glacier landings, floatplanes. Yes it is confusing, but that is why working with an experienced agent is to your advantage. I can offer tours that are customized to your likes.
You spent how many hours tying to get information on the Internet? Yes, Mr. Cruiser, I agree that you may have learned something about your destination on the Internet, but it was not possible to book everything properly on your own.
Insurance is highly recommended. You didn’t understand all that small print and exclusions? Oh, and you have a masters degree in communication. Will you get money back, or a cruise credit, if your mother-in-law has to go to a nursing home? I understand, Mr. Cruiser, and I can not only explain the differences, but can offer you choices in policies, not just what the Internet offers.
The deposit, you ask, how much? Well, since I just had a cruise night promotion for the line you’re booking, the deposit is only $200 per cabin, rather than $700 per cabin. Yes, you don’t even have to pay the balance for a few more months. Yes, that was different than what you saw on the Internet.
It has been my pleasure to help you plan your vacation. And since I have a group booked on this sailing, you will be invited to a cocktail party onboard. No, the Internet doesn’t throw cocktail parties!

Les-Lee Roland is a writer and motivational speaker and has been Home Based for more than 10 years. Her company, The Package Deal, is in Sarasota, FL. Contact Les-Lee at packagedeals@comcast.net.